How adoption histories differ<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
These experiences can have very different consequences: difficulties with emotional regulation, behavioural problems, insecurity, distrust, difficulties eating or sleeping, developmental problems and, in some cases, consequences related to adverse prenatal experiences or trauma. This is not to say that all adopted people experience these problems, but rather to recognise that a child does not arrive in a family as a blank slate. They already have a history of their own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The age at adoption does not, in itself, predict the adopted child\u2019s development. An older child may have received sufficiently protective care during the early years, while a younger child may have been exposed to very early adverse experiences. The absence of conscious memory does not mean the absence of experience. Separation from the biological mother and the rupture of the initial continuity are part of the adopted person\u2019s history, even when adoption takes place very early. The reassuring idea that the younger the child, the easier it will be because they will remember less does not, therefore, capture the complexity of the adoption experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The primary wound and difficulty forming attachments<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Nancy Newton Verrier coined the term \u201cprimary wound\u201d to refer to the experience associated with the rupture of continuity between the biological mother and the child. This is not necessarily a conscious memory, but an experience of loss that has consequences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Joining a new family makes it possible to build a new bond, but that bond does not erase the first history. A person can deeply love their adoptive parents and, at the same time, suffer from the loss, abandonment or lack of care they experienced with their first caregivers. Both realities can coexist. Difficulties in this area are often discussed in terms of attachment<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For some children, receiving love may even bring them into contact with an inner part marked by abandonment. Anger, rejection, distrust and a need to test the bond may arise because of the fear of being abandoned again. These reactions may be directed precisely towards those who love them most. Understanding these children does not mean justifying any behaviour or giving up boundaries, but rather responding without turning the situation created by the child\u2019s distress into a new experience of rejection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Some children show distress from a very early age, while others appear to adapt well during childhood and develop difficulties later, especially in adolescence<\/a>. The capacity to dissociate certain experiences may facilitate family functioning for a time, but what remains outside conscious awareness may re-emerge when the person needs to construct their identity and differentiate themselves. Patterns formed early can also resurface in adult relationships, as explored in The Attachment Pattern You Keep Calling Chemistry<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The wound can lead to deep distrust and limit emotional resources. It can manifest as insecurity, low self-esteem, instability, aggression, hyperactivity or difficulties forming relationships. It can also give rise to a great deal of anger. If the child feels that they are not allowed to show it, they will have great difficulty finding out whether they are accepted in their more difficult aspects as well. Even when they manage to express it in a safe environment, there is no guarantee of complete recovery: this will depend on their previous history and on each person\u2019s individual characteristics. Temperament also plays a role.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Understanding this is not easy for adoptive parents. A child who has experienced abandonment or abuse may experience as threatening something that would be a comforting display of affection, love and security to others. Parents have to contain suffering they did not cause and help the child work through it over time. Some anxieties will reappear at different points in life. More on adoption and fostering<\/a> support is available on It\u2019s Complicated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In this sense, parents need to become, to some extent, \u201ctherapists\u201d: observing, understanding, containing, setting boundaries and repairing without automatically interpreting their child\u2019s behaviour as a personal rejection. Becoming aware of what it means to be an adoptive parent is often a long process, in which the initial idealisation of adoption is gradually relinquished.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The parents themselves almost always have a history that includes wounds of their own. In many cases there is infertility, unsuccessful treatments, the loss of children, unresolved grief or previous difficulties within the couple. If problems arise after adoption, these experiences may be reactivated. The couple may experience strain and recriminations, especially when adoption was more strongly desired by one of the partners. A related discussion of how a parent\u2019s own history surfaces in parenting can be found in When Parenting Triggers Childhood Trauma<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For all these reasons, the child\u2019s difficulties cannot be completely separated from family dynamics. Many adoptive families need help understanding what is happening, containing emotional overwhelm and preventing the child\u2019s difficulties and their own from ultimately becoming new experiences of rejection or rupture. Support is available for parenthood<\/a> and for work with children<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Adolescence introduces a fundamental need for differentiation: asking who I am and where I come from. For an adopted person, these questions often take on a particular intensity. Questions arise about biological parents, siblings, the circumstances of the adoption, a sense of belonging, physical traits and their own family history.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The idealisation of biological parents, feelings of loyalty towards both families, guilt, shame or conflicts between belonging and taking distance may also arise. The search for origins does not necessarily mean that there is a problem with the adoptive family. It may reflect a need to integrate a part of one\u2019s identity that was previously separate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The aim should not be to choose between one history and the other, but to build an identity capable of including both: the history before adoption and the history afterwards. The adopted person may need to acknowledge what happened before without being defined exclusively by it, and to recognise the bond with their adoptive family without having to deny their origins.<\/p>\n\n\n\n With the adopted person, therapy seeks to facilitate, through the construction of a personal narrative, the integration of the present with the history preceding adoption and to work through any potential dissociations. Issues that may need attention include the experience of abandonment and loss; real or imagined bonds with biological parents; abuse, violence, neglect or substance use in the family of origin; anger, guilt and shame; fear of abandonment and sensitivity to rejection and injustice; difficulties in trusting others and forming close relationships; and questions of identity, belonging and loyalties. Approaches such as psychodynamic therapy<\/a> often work with this kind of personal narrative.<\/p>\n\n\n\n With the parents, it is important to work on expectations prior to adoption in relation to reality, emotional overwhelm, frustration and anger, as well as the capacity to contain and understand the child\u2019s suffering in relation to their history in order to avoid rejecting responses. It is also necessary to identify family dynamics that may be maintaining the problems or reactivating previous traumatic experiences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Depending on the needs of the family, it may be advisable to combine individual work with family therapy<\/a> sessions. It may also be necessary to address the parents\u2019 own issues, such as losses, infertility, difficulties related to their family of origin or problems within the couple, when these interfere with their relationship with the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Parents\u2019 pre-adoption training should provide objective and realistic information about the difficulties that may arise and their consequences for family and school life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Not everyone is equally prepared to adopt. Adoptive parenting can require a high tolerance for frustration and disappointment, the ability to face conflict, empathy, patience, flexibility, sensitivity and the capacity to repair. Prospective parents\u2019 expectations may be coloured by optimism, especially when adoption comes after a long process of infertility and several unsuccessful attempts to have children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For years, the idea has circulated that an adopted child may need psychological help but that, above all, they need a family and plenty of love. Love is essential, but it is not always enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Nor is it reasonable to leave families on their own after adoption. The suitability assessment is necessary, but it should not be the end of the process. Given that adoption is overseen by public authorities, there should be accessible public therapeutic support, especially at times of greatest vulnerability.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yes, but not always and not in the same way. Development depends on their previous history, the wound they have suffered, the characteristics of the individual and what can subsequently be built.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As far as parents are concerned, they need to know that adopting is not simply the same as having a child. It is a more complex, demanding and challenging process because it means welcoming a person who already carries a considerable history. Parents offer a new, stable and loving bond, but they cannot erase the first history. There is no guarantee that loving, positive, reciprocal bonds will develop in the way one might expect. It is impossible to predict this completely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For this reason, it is necessary to move away both from the idealisation of adoption and from the myth that love cures everything. Better preparation for families and support after adoption is not a way of questioning the adoptive bond, but of taking it seriously and providing better conditions in which it can develop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you are looking for support around adoption, attachment or family relationships, you can explore therapists on It\u2019s Complicated<\/a>, or learn how the matching service<\/a> works.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Paulo Pitta is a relational psychotherapist and couples therapist based in Barcelona, working in person and online in English, Spanish, Catalan and Portuguese. He trained in systemic and relational psychotherapy at the School of Family and Couples Therapy, Hospital de Sant Pau, and in psychodynamic psychotherapy at the Carl Gustav Jung Foundation in Spain, and works with relationships, attachment, trauma, depression and anxiety. Find Paulo on It\u2019s Complicated<\/a>. Website: paulopitta.com<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\nWhat adoptive parents are asked to do<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Identity, origins and adolescence<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
What can be addressed in therapy for adoption-related difficulties<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Therapy with the adopted person<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Therapy with the parents<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Preparing for and supporting adoption<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Can an adopted person recover from experiences before adoption?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Bibliography<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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