Repair from Conflict with IFS: Intimacy from the Inside Out

Valerio Scaramucci

2 months ago

Editorial Note: This article delves into the dynamics of couples therapy, exploring when it may be beneficial, what it entails, and how it can foster deeper understanding within a relationship. The piece employs the “Intimacy from the Inside Out” (IFIO) model, rooted in Internal Family Systems theory, to shed light on common challenges and transformative practices in therapy.

They say that if life is a school, relationships are like university, and the deeper and more intimate the relationship, the more challenges might arise.

Often, during the early stages of a romantic relationship, there is a sense of falling in love, and everything about the partner feels beautiful. However, this honeymoon phase eventually ends, and the dynamics can change. Couples therapy is a type of therapy that can enhance your relationship with your partner and provide you with a better understanding of yourself.

In this article, I will discuss when you might need couples therapy, what it is and isn’t, and how improvement can occur. I will explore these topics through the lens of an approach called Intimacy From Inside Out (IFIO), a therapeutic model based on the theory of the Internal Family System in which I am trained.

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When Couples Therapy is a Good Idea

In some instances, the need for therapy is not evident.

You might have recurring small arguments about the same topic that always elicit the same emotional response from you and your partner. Still, there is no clear resolution or understanding of why this is happening.

Or, there might be situations where, on the surface, things seem okay, but in reality, we distance ourselves emotionally from our partner because there are talks we prefer not to face.

What Couples Therapy is Not

It is not uncommon for one partner to consider starting couples therapy because they believe the other partner is the primary source of the issues. They hope the therapist will recognise this and prompt the partner to change. This unspoken hope is not what couples therapy is about.

The Three Projects

Richard Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems, talks about the three projects or ways we try to change partners when we feel that our needs are not being met.

Deep inside, if we need to be accepted, loved, and recognised, when our partner does not provide that, we might choose one of these three projects:

Changing the Partner

We change the partner so we can get what we want. We might do that by criticising, shaming, demanding, or manipulating. Obviously, all of this will trigger an adverse reaction in the other.

Changing Ourselves

We might try to figure out what our partners don’t like about us, using self-criticism and shame, and change by cutting off parts of ourselves. The hope is that by changing, our partner will love us again. However, this process can build resentment towards our partners.

Distance

We decide to give up on getting the love we want from our partner. We begin closing ourselves off, searching for a different partner, or numbing or distracting ourselves.

The way we engage in these three strategies is not linear: We might start with one and then shift to another, or even use a combination at different times in the relationship.

Listening Without Reacting

In couples therapy, one of the primary goals is to understand how to listen to our partner in a new way. If a partner is triggered by our behaviour, often when we hear their experience, we take it as a truth about ourselves, which can lead to reaction and escalation.

For example, if our partner feels disappointed or upset by something we did, we might take that as a truth about ourselves, feeling we are at fault or “wrong,” and react defensively.

What to Avoid

It’s important to remember that couples therapy involves risks that, if not considered, can further damage the relationship. The main concern about opening up to your partner is that they might use what you said against you during an argument. It’s crucial to treat whatever your partner discloses in the session with respect.

What Couples Therapy is About

In romantic relationships and interactions, there are several things we look for:

Being heard, seen, and valued.
Feeling safe in the presence of the other.
Having our needs met.
Being loved.

When our needs are not met, it can activate vulnerable feelings, often stemming from unprocessed childhood wounds, which differ from person to person. In such situations, we protect ourselves from re-experiencing that pain by engaging in the three projects mentioned above.

A Practical Example

Let’s say that Partner A didn’t wash the dishes, and Partner B got upset.

In our session, we will explore what happens inside Partner B when they see that the dishes are not done. What emotions are they feeling? What story is running in their mind, and how are they reacting? Partner B may react by confronting Partner A.

Next, we can explore what happens within Partner A when they feel confronted. What emotions arise, and how does Partner A respond to Partner B’s frustration?

As the interaction becomes clearer, we can start to understand the hope and underlying vulnerability in each partner’s reactions, which ultimately strengthens and deepens the relationship.

Conclusion

Couples therapy offers a transformative opportunity for partners to have difficult conversations, strengthen their bond, and deepen their understanding of each other. It is not a quick fix but a journey of mutual growth and commitment. Successful outcomes often depend on both partners’ willingness to actively engage in the process, embrace vulnerability, and apply the insights gained in therapy to their daily lives.

Couples therapy can truly be a valuable investment in a relationship’s long-term health and happiness.