Argentinian psychologist who combines evidence-based therapeutic methods with a focus on multiculturalism to help clients achieve personal fulfilment.
Last Updated on January 2, 2025 by It’s Complicated
You’ve likely heard the phrase “communication is key to relationships,” but actually expressing what bothers us—especially when we’re upset—can be challenging. As a psychologist, I’ve seen firsthand the incredible transformations that occur when couples learn to communicate more effectively. That’s why today, I’d like to introduce you to the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) method, a powerful approach that fosters understanding, empathy, and cooperation.
What is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?
Nonviolent Communication is a technique designed to help people connect more compassionately and respectfully. It’s especially beneficial for couples because it emphasizes open, honest expression and empathic listening, leading to stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Here’s a simple guide to incorporating NVC into your conversations to enhance connection and resolve conflicts constructively.
Step 1: Observe Without Judgment
The first step in NVC is to observe the situation without judgments or evaluations. This means noticing what’s happening as it is, without labeling it as “good” or “bad.” When describing what you observe, stick to the facts rather than interpretations.
Example: Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “When I was talking about my day and you looked at your phone…”
Observing without judgment reduces misunderstandings and defensiveness, laying the groundwork for a more open, productive conversation.
Step 2: Identify and Express Feelings and Needs
The next step is to clearly express your own feelings and needs. Feelings are emotional responses, like anger, sadness, or joy, while needs are the underlying desires or values—like connection, respect, or understanding—that fuel those emotions. When you’re aware of and express your feelings and needs, you help your partner understand what’s truly going on.
Example: “When I see you looking at your phone while I’m talking, I feel hurt and unimportant because I need to feel valued and heard.”
Expressing your feelings and needs openly can foster empathy and deepen your partner’s understanding of your experience.
Step 3: Make a Clear and Positive Request
Finally, make a specific, actionable request to help meet your needs. Requests are not demands—they are constructive suggestions that encourage positive change. Clear requests reduce misunderstandings and give your partner concrete ways to support you.
Example: “Would you be willing to put your phone away while we’re talking, so I can feel more connected with you?”
Framing requests respectfully and positively makes it more likely that your partner will respond well, allowing both of you to meet each other’s needs.
Conclusion
By using Nonviolent Communication, you and your partner can express yourselves more clearly, understand each other more deeply, and handle conflicts with compassion and respect. Practicing these steps—observing without judgment, identifying and expressing feelings and needs, and making clear requests—can help you build a more loving, supportive relationship. Try incorporating NVC into your daily interactions and see how it strengthens your connection!
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