From my years of talking to couples, I’ve noticed a few recurring mistakes that consistently block healthy communication. Let me walk you through them.
Mistake No. 1: Avoiding Conflict Altogether
Many couples believe that not fighting equals having a good relationship. Yet the truth is quite the opposite: conflict is natural when two people with different pasts, temperaments, and values share a life together.
The longer you spend side by side, the more differences naturally surface and – sigh – they need to be addressed, not ignored.
The issue isn’t disagreement itself; it’s silencing what bothers us. Some people suppress their frustration, pretending everything is fine, or channel it elsewhere – into work, exercise, friendships (the constructive ways), or sometimes into affairs or addictions (the destructive ones). But even the constructive outlets don’t truly resolve the resentment. It just stays there, brewing quietly, until one day it erupts and leaves lasting wounds.
Try this: Catch disagreements early in active communication and not silencing things bothering (allowing your partner to do the same). Talk about what you feel is wrong while it’s still manageable before it grows into something much harder to repair.
Mistake No. 2: Overlooking the Influence of the Past Traumas
In long-term relationships, arguments rarely concern only the present moment. We carry our earlier experiences into every interaction: our fears, childhood traumas, and unmet needs all echo through our communication.
Without noticing, we often project onto our partner:
-The love we once wished to receive
-The fear of being hurt again
In an attempt to protect ourselves, we begin to control or attempt to reshape our partner and expect from them the kind of love that should heal our old pain. We stop seeing them and start seeing the reflection of our unresolved past.
Try this: Understanding how your personal history shapes your reactions isn’t simple; it requires deep reflection. I explore this more in my article “Why We Turn Into Children in Relationships (and Expect a Fairy Tale)”, which delves into how projection works.
Also, sometimes couples simply forget what originally connected them. To bring some warmth back, here is a small exercise: each of you can write down five things you truly appreciate about the other, then read them aloud to one another.
Mistake No. 3: Expecting Your Partner to Think Like You
I often hear people say: “If only my partner saw things my way, everything would be perfect!” Ironically, that belief itself is what drives closeness away.
When we try to convince our partner to think as we do, they often feel unseen or invalidated. This struggle to change the other person creates more conflict than the issue itself.
Your partner is not a mirror image of you, nor your repetition. They have their own emotions, perceptions, and pace. Trying to mold them into your version of “right” only isolates you both. True intimacy grows NOT from sameness, but from respecting your differences, because those contrasts are what make the relationship whole.
Try this: Let your partner finish speaking before you respond. Ask questions to understand their point, not just to prepare your counterargument. And if that feels too difficult, a professional can help create the space for both of you to be heard.
Mistake No. 4: Letting Emotions Rule your Dialogue
When strong emotions take over, reason tends to disappear. What starts as a simple talk about chores or vacation plans can quickly awaken deep old hurts.
Try this: There are two helpful ways to approach emotions during a conflict:
1. Pause and acknowledge them. Sometimes it helps to say, “We’re both too emotional right now, so let’s take a break and come back to this when we’re calmer.” This brings the discussion back to a more rational level while still recognizing the emotions are real. You can’t skip the stage of pausing and acknowledging when emotions overwhelm your dialogue.
2 Address the feelings directly. Avoiding emotions forever is impossible. If you notice intense feelings surfacing, and the issue doesn’t demand immediate resolution, focus on talking about the feelings first – and return to the subject later.
Being able to name and manage emotions, both your own and your partner’s, is a very powerful skill! It transforms arguments from hostile exchanges into opportunities for understanding.
To conclude: healthy, lasting and understanding relationships aren’t those without conflict. They’re the ones where both people learn how to face it.
Learning to argue well doesn’t separate you, on the opposite – it brings you closer, deepens intimacy, and keeps your connection and bond alive.
Contact Boris for online counseling: https://counseling.borisherzberg.com/relationships
Sources:
Dicks, H. V. (1967). Marital tensions: Clinical studies towards a psychological theory of interaction. Karnac Books. (Original work published 1967, reprinted 1993).
Nathan W. Ackerman, M.D., Marjorie L. Behrens, M.A., 1961, The Family Approach and Levels of Intervention, The American Journal of Psychotherapy
Vernon (Ed.), Cognitive and rational-emotive behavior therapy with couples: Theory and practice (pp. 225–241). New York, NY: Springer. Waters, V. (1981)
