Siri Sundin (she/her) is an experienced systemic and analytic coach, a trained psychosexual therapist (CICS, UK) who provides a safe and trauma-informed space through studies in Somatic Experiencing.
Last Updated on March 3, 2025 by It’s Complicated
Recently, I was asked one of the most common questions in sex- and couples therapy: “After x years[1] of relationship I find myself wanting more (or different) sex than my partner does. I still love them. But I already started engaging with someone else to get my needs met. Do I have to separate from my partner?“
In this article, I want to look at ideas, beliefs, and biases we might have around the ways we live monogamous relationships and the way we have and define sex. I dare to ask whether the rules we live by are serving us. Are we allowed to adjust them to live the life we want to live?
Disclaimer: What I write here is my opinion (white, cis woman, Western Europe 2025), sourced out of readings, my own experiences, and stories of others I have been listening to professionally and in my private life. If you like, you can take the aspects which you find helpful for your situation into consideration for your solution.
The difference in sexual wants and needs and how to deal with it inside a relationship is a topic which holds more than one taboo. We are talking about cultural and personal values. Are we allowed to have our own sexual wishes and needs which are different from the desires and needs of our partners? And if so, does this difference consequently lead to a break-up? Or are we allowed to have more than one sexual partner? Or should one partner just “give in“ or the other one “miss out“? Are we immoral, when we want what we want and act on it? Is my partner responsible for meeting my needs? Am I a bad person if I am jealous? What if I am not jealous? And who is making up all these rules?
Monogamy. Just one option.
Paul Watzlawick introduces in his book on radical constructivism „If you would really love me, you would also like garlic!“ the idea that we construct our reality. Knowing about this concept we can allow ourselves to question the norms and “given truths“ we live by.
In our society (Western Europe) monogamy is still the preset of most relationships. I define monogamy here as the consensual decision of two humans to have sexual relations only with each other for the time of their relationship. Most of the time this decision is more of a traditional value which is not questioned, rather than a conscious informed decision.
In these relationships, we give sexuality and the „right frequency“ of having sex a very high importance. We might even feel, that we are only proper women and men when we have a certain amount of sex. This pressure might influence our decision-making – also if it comes to sex outside of our relationship. When we discover our wish to have sex outside of our relationship or if our partner has this wish, the traditional way of processing it often leads to breaking up the relationship – even if we actually do not want to leave the relationship.
Besides the pressure the couple is under due to different sexual wants and needs, there is a lot of pressure from the outside that this should not be the case. We might think that we are not good enough when we don’t make it to the numbers we read about or which are discussed in locker rooms. Or we might have a strong identity around our sexuality and no idea who we are without it. And if we don’t have or don’t want sex at all, maybe there is something wrong with us, too. Or with our partner. Something needs to be changed, it seems. Or Corrected. So what is it?
Let’s dare to ask ourselves:
- What is sex to you, personally? (The answers can vary from person to person)
- Do partners have to have the same needs and desires around sexuality and otherwise are prohibited to act on them?
- And is monogamy the only way to live relationships? (And whatever you decide for yourself is valid)
Sex. Defining your playground
What do we mean, when we talk about sex? Is it just the so-called sexual intercourse where sexual organs meet? Or is it possible to be sexual without touching or even without another person? And if I masturbate is that sex? Or not? I remember thinking that making out with another girl can’t be considered cheating. Of course not. There is no penis involved. And that’s what is needed for sex, right? I also remember making out and orgasming with someone during a tantra festival while sitting two meters apart. That can’t be sexual, can it? We have so many concepts of what a human sexual connection should look like. And by setting up (often too high) expectations we create ourselves a fancy way straight into disappointment.
What if sex is just being in love with life? Being fully present with ourselves with all senses. To live it all. All the joy, all the pain, all the frustration, and ecstasy. Being aroused by life. By nature. With every breath I take I feel alive.
I believe, there are solutions for countless problems in questioning our concept of sex and sexuality and by that, discover how we can incorporate our new own concept into a healthy relationship – be it monogamous or other.
On my Instagram, I explain sex like this:
“Sex is a field you define yourself. It can happen with one or more partners, and it can happen by yourself. Genitals do not need to be involved to call something sex. Everything which arouses you and makes you feel more alive I would call sex, sexual energy, or life force energy. Enjoy.“
Desire discrepancy: The end or a new beginning of relating?
Among therapists, we call the above presented situation “desire discrepancy“. From my perspective, desire discrepancy is more common than matching desires – especially when talking about a (life) long relationship. And yes, I have seen couples splitting up because of this. And sometimes this might be the right decision. But if you want to stay in a relationship there are plenty of ideas and tools to explore to co-create a relationship that makes all of you happy.
My favorite approach is always to go deep and investigate beliefs, values, and judgments. And where we got those from.
5 steps to create your solution to desire discrepancy
Sometimes, the partner with “more“ or “different“ sexual wants and needs, decides to have an affair in secret, while at the same time feeling guilty and afraid of messing up their love and relationship life. This shows how vulnerable this situation and decision-making are. If I decide to do something in secret, I might do this to 1) protect my partner, 2) protect myself, or 3) protect the relationship. But do I really?
Often, keeping our wishes and needs in the dark – whether we act on them or not – does lead to trouble, and maybe a break-up. But let’s assume we want to grow as humans and we already understand that sexual wishes and desires (like most things in life) might change over time (and by that, I do not mean to wait it out). And that even if we break up this relationship, we might find ourselves in a similar situation in our next relationship. Wouldn’t it be fantastic for everyone to be able (and allowed) to know what they want and what they don’t want, to be true to ourselves ask for consent and live our truth?
To get closer to the answer (How to get out of the muddy water?) I imagine this 5 step journey.
And of course: Personal processes are usually not linear. If you like, see the following questions as a rough guideline, and pick and choose as you see fit. The goal is not to quickly find answers to all these questions, but to understand that they depict a lifelong journey to yourself and your way of relating.
Step one: Discovering
Who am I? What are my values? What are my wishes, needs, and desires? What are my expectations? What is my definition of a good relationship and a good love life? Has this always been the same or did this change over time?
The better I know, who I am, what I need, and what my values are, the easier decision-making becomes. If I understand why I do or do not like something I can make an informed decision in favor of this.
Step two: Questioning
What influenced me to have these values, expectations, and ideas? Did I grow up in a certain culture or religion or were certain forms of being supported while others were dismissed? What is still true for me? What do I want to let go or change?
After looking inside, we can point our awareness to the outside and towards our past. Who and what has influenced us to behave how we behave and to believe what we believe.
Step three: Allowing
What do I need to be ok with who I am and what I want?
How can I be more self-accepting and self-loving? What internalized believes are standing in my way?
This is a groundbreaking step. And the more you see yourself worthy of living a life full of joy and abundance after values which serve you, the easier it is to allow yourself to say goodbye to old beliefs and grow.
Step four: Communicating
What do I need to speak my truth? What do I need to believe that my partner is interested in knowing my truth?
Step three and gaining confidence that you are worthy of living your truth are essential. The best scenario might be when both partners have a confident standing in life and believe, that they are accepted the way they are. And of course, this is the most tricky part because so many triggers can come up when talking about vulnerable topics like sex and values in relationships. Communication gets easier the more you believe you are allowed to make good decisions for yourself – even if that influences your partner.
Step five: Consent and decision-making
Learning about consent and making informed decisions together.
Congratulations. When you arrive here you know how much work you have poured into your love and relationship life and, of course, mainly into yourself. Whatever you decide from this point of personal development will lead you to being more who you want to be, who you really are.
Welcome to the journey.
Of course, there is no one-fits-all solution when it comes to finding out how to live sexuality and relationships. Everyone needs to find their very personal solution to this common but very specific question. Maybe with the help of a coach or therapist who specializes in these kinds of topics. Reach out if you want a travel companion for a while.
You are welcome. Come as you are.
Siri
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