Friendships are vital for our mental health and well-being. For many, forming these connections feels natural, often built on shared understanding, intimacy, affection, and companionship. But what if the “norm” for friendship doesn’t quite fit your experience?
There’s a common misconception that autistic adults aren’t interested in friendships. As a mental health therapist working with autistic adults in Berlin, I can tell you that this couldn’t be further from the truth. Connection is a fundamental human need, and autistic people are no exception. Finding “your people” can sometimes feel isolating, leading to frustration or even giving up. But there is hope.
Let’s explore seven practical strategies for cultivating more meaningful and lasting friendships to enhance your mental health, well-being, and quality of life.
What are Friendships, Anyway?
Have you ever noticed how much children learn from playing together? From our earliest days, friendships are a crucial part of how we grow up, acting as a training ground for life. They teach us to communicate, cooperate, and problem-solve when things get tricky. Friendships offer the emotional experience of intimacy and companionship, often setting the stage for how we form other important connections, such as romantic relationships.
Across our lives, a lack of social connection can significantly impact our physical and mental health. This might show up as reduced self-esteem, increased loneliness, higher rates of depression and anxiety, and a decreased sense of overall quality of life.
For autistic adults, building and maintaining friendships can present unique challenges because the needs within a friendship may differ from neurotypical expectations. Autistic children and adolescents often face difficulties making friends in conventional ways. They may experience bullying, which can affect their self-identity and transition into adulthood. These interpersonal challenges can make connecting difficult and life significantly lonelier.
However, strong friendships can act as a powerful protective factor for autistic adults. Peer support and genuine connection can reduce loneliness and depression, promote acceptance, and boost self-worth. As research from O’Day & Killeen (2002) and Haertl et al. (2013) highlights, understanding the subjective experiences of autistic individuals in friendship is key to developing effective support.
1. Embracing Interest-Based Friendships
Connecting with people through shared interests can be a game-changer for autistic adults. This creates an immediate point of common ground and understanding. By diving straight into topics you’re passionate about, you can often skip the small talk that can feel tedious and get to the deeper, more rewarding layers of conversation. This gives space for a comfortable and authentic interaction.
It’s also important to remember that not all interests will align perfectly. Keep an open mind and show genuine interest in what others are passionate about as well.
2. Communicating from Your “Authentic Self”
Societal expectations often pressure autistic individuals to “mask” or adapt their natural behaviors to appear neurotypical. While this can be a safety mechanism, it comes at a high energetic cost.
Connecting to your authentic self means understanding and honoring what feels comfortable and what your needs are. This might involve engaging in social environments in ways that genuinely work for you – perhaps more alone time, a consistent routine, or focusing on activities you genuinely enjoy.
Many autistic individuals find it easier to connect with other autistic or neurodivergent adults due to mutual understanding and empathy. The relief of not needing to mask your natural behaviors or adapt your communication style can be incredibly liberating, allowing you to be your true self. This is often deep work that takes time and self-compassion.
3. Prioritising Breaks During Social Interactions
Group settings, especially due to sensory sensitivities, can be incredibly exhausting and overwhelming. You might find interactions more manageable if they are:
- One-on-one
- In a small group
- Time-limited
- In quiet surroundings
Understanding your sensory sensitivities – whether to sound, touch, smells, or tastes – and setting boundaries around them is essential for creating safe and sustainable social experiences. Pay attention to your needs and attune to what your body and mind are telling you.
4. Navigating the World with Direct Communication
The need for predictability often creates a sense of safety for autistic adults. This means direct communication styles may feel more natural and effective. Trying to conform to “expected” communication norms can cause more harm than good. How would it feel to simply show up in a way that is natural to you?
Consider your preferred communication style: Is it writing, pictures, or sending voice notes? It’s okay to be direct in your emails, too, if that’s what works for you – skipping small talk and getting straight to the point can be incredibly clarifying. Direct and clear communication is highly valued as it provides clarity and understanding.
Consistency is also key. Knowing what to expect in any relationship builds trust and comfort. Being aware of this need and clearly communicating expectations can significantly improve the quality of your relationships.
5. Establishing Clear Boundaries
Setting boundaries around friendships and social interactions is important for everyone, and especially crucial for autistic adults. For autistic individuals, who may process social cues differently and find social interactions more energetically demanding, clear boundaries provide predictability and a sense of safety. Without them, there’s a higher risk of misunderstandings and exhaustion.
It’s common for autistic individuals to struggle with identifying healthy versus unhealthy boundaries, or to have difficulty saying “no” due to a desire to avoid confrontation or a different understanding of social norms. This makes proactive boundary setting even more important. Establishing clear boundaries can involve:
- Specifying the length of interactions
- Defining preferred interaction styles
- Communicating your need to recharge
- Being explicit about personal space and physical touch
By being direct and respectful in setting these limits, you create a safe and understanding environment for both you and your friends. This approach helps maintain a balanced relationship that honors your energy levels and sensory needs. Remember, you are allowed to act according to your energy levels and define what feels comfortable and sustainable for you.
6. Identifying Healthy Friendships
Identifying healthy friendships might not always be straightforward. It can be hard to know who or what to trust. Take time to reflect on your interactions:
- Do you feel valued and safe with this person?
- Do you feel like you can trust them?
- Do you connect over similar interests?
- Can you unmask some of your safety behaviors with them?
A “healthy” friendship often doesn’t involve constant arguments or mean behavior. Instead, it’s characterised by respect, trust, understanding, acceptance, and caring. It’s also okay to have a small number of close friends who truly understand and support you as it may work best for you.
You might find it helpful to incorporate your shared interests into your routine – perhaps by scheduling regular catch-ups at a fixed time or making sure you have the option to leave an interaction when it becomes “too much.”
7. Self-Compassion and Societal Acceptance
It’s important to acknowledge that this process isn’t linear. Unlearning old ways of being and unmasking behaviors you’ve adopted can be challenging, bringing up uncomfortable feelings and confusion. However, by getting to the core of your true self and discovering what genuinely works for you, life can take on a whole new meaning. There are multiple valid ways of living and connecting.
Remember, not everything depends solely on you. Autistic individuals have historically faced marginalisation and exclusion in society due to neurological differences, encountering societal barriers and stigma. Autism acceptance begins with recognising and challenging harmful stereotypes. Creating change starts with small, meaningful steps. While there might be rejection along the way, and cultural differences to navigate, your efforts to build authentic connections are invaluable.
Forming friendships is a lifelong journey. Spend time with people who make you feel safe and with whom you can truly connect. Give yourself time and self-compassion throughout this process. You might find that connections with other neurodivergent people are often easier due to similarities in communication styles and ways of being. However, it’s also important to remember that every autistic person is unique, and meaningful relationships between neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals are very much possible.
Ultimately, this isn’t about adapting your behavior to “fit in,” but about learning what works for you – working with your brain, not against it.
References
Bukowski, W. M., Hoza, B., & Newcomb, M. A. (1994). Some observations on the implications of a developmental perspective for the study of popularity and rejection. In S. Asher & J. D. Coie (Eds.), Peer rejection in childhood (pp. 209-216). Cambridge University Press.
Haertl, E., Haerle, D., & Klinger, L. G. (2013). Friendship, loneliness, and well-being in adults with autism spectrum disorder. Autism: International Journal of Research and Practice, 17(4), 384-395. https://tarangx.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/2013-loneliness-friendship-and-well-being-in-adults-with-asd.pdf
Kapp, S. K., Steward, R., Russell, G., & Dawson, G. (2013). Perceptions of friendship and social support in adults with autism spectrum conditions: An interview study. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 43(10), 2378-2388. https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007/s40489-022-00332-8.pdf
Neurodivergent Insights. (n.d.). Autism in society. Retrieved May 27, 2025, from https://neurodivergentinsights.com/autism-in-society/
O’Day, J., & Killeen, A. (2002). The subjective experience of friendship in adults with autism. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 32(4), 317-327. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1078390320949923
Reitz, E., Denissen, J. J. A., & van der Velden, F. (2014). The role of friendship in the formation of romantic relationships: An examination of three theoretical models. Personal Relationships, 21(3), 500-517. https://www.annualreviews.org/content/journals/10.1146/annurev.soc.27.1.415
