When the internet hive-mind thinks about communication in relationships, it tends towards the 5 ‘love languages.’ This is the idea that we each have a preference for how we like to receive acts of love. Physical touch is one example, receipt of gifts are another (I assume most readers about relationships are more than familiar with them by now!).
There’s definitely something alluring about love languages. It feels good to talk about how you like to be made feel good! And, they’re a great way to show you’re thinking about a significant other. However, psychology research on love languages actually suggests that your intimate partner is likely to be happy with any form of love expressed. What appears more important is taking active responsibility for making them feel loved, feel like they matter. The metaphor of a ‘balanced diet’ is instead offered by the researchers — love in any way you can, and don’t be limited by one style.
If research is going to spoil a beloved idea in this way, can it offer us something more helpful instead? As it turns out, yes — the rather less glamorous sounding ‘maintenance strategies.’ They come from the psychology of communication, and have a wealth of evidence to support their effectiveness. Use them as a helpful tool for reflecting on the different dimensions of your relationship(s). They can help you identify where your strengths lie (always celebrate what you’re doing well!), and what might need a little work.
Let’s dive in…
Offering assurances
It’s so easy to say “I love you,” over and over, ad nauseum, slowly draining it of its meaning. But, it’s still important, an everyday communication of “yes, I’m still here.” These can be surprisingly hard to summon when a relationship stretches into medium- and long-term phases. Repetitions of daily life entangle us in routine stresses and stress routines, embroiled as we get in workplace politics and the like. Make sure your partner gets some kind of genuine gratitude with regularity, as best you can. It’s good for you too, not just for your partner.
Sometimes, assurances might come across as a mixed message. Words can seem empty. Your partner hears one thing, but feels another from the behaviour surrounding it. Relationships need a tangible feeling of commitment to perpetuate themselves, it’s a vital function. This is the maintenance strategy with which love languages are likely to be of most help! They can help you do, not just say. Remember the advice from the beginning – take responsibility for helping your partner feel loved.
Sharing tasks
Blessed be the relationships that don’t have to negotiate anything on this one. When it comes to sharing tasks, there’s the mundane stuff like cleaning out cat litter trays and cooking dinner. But there’s also the more challenging ‘adulting’ level like financial planning or dealing with the city authorities. Some relationships break evenly from the start on tasks, while others leave one person doing a lot more. There’s no way round it — imbalances have to be addressed, we each must pull our weight. And, listen if you’re called out on it. Most people have a surprising sixth sense for unfairness, and the feeling of being hard done by festers over time.
The title here is a little misleading, because sharing tasks also refers to obligations. Think about this in social terms — turning up to events like weddings, parties, neighbourhood meet-ups and so on. This means putting the public face on your relationship, the expectations (whatever they might be) around representing yourselves as a team. Is this something important to your relationship? If so, is a lot of responsibility falling on one pair of shoulders? Perhaps there imbalance in how you understand its importance?
Use of advice
This, obviously, calls us to reflect on how we each give and receive advice. Of course, there is the everyday rough-and-tumble on routine things like better ways to manage the living space, how to handle little problems at work and so on. Zoom out, however, to bigger-picture stuff like career opportunities, travel dreams, managing family network conflicts — this is where advice becomes much more fraught. Ultimately, you want to serve as key support people for each other, the one you each readily turn to. Maintaining a degree of softness around this is a real challenge.
The loving advice we offer on bigger issues can sometimes be loaded with our own needs, even when we feel we have their best interests at heart. It can be hard to take that step back and accept that our partner’s autonomy is important too. They might not always heed our advice. Equally, we must think about how open we are to receiving advice. Are you really hearing what your partner is trying to say, or was your mind already set, closed off before they spoke? Taking a partner’s perspective on board with grace and patience shows them trust, value, and respect.
Conflict management
Here, think ‘soft skills’ like cooperation, apologising, forgiving, patience, showing understanding, being non-judgemental. It may take a lifetime to sharpen conflict management skills, a lot depends on where you each start from. And, it requires equal commitment from each person to make it happen. When there is tension in the air, each participant must take responsibility for de-escalation. Easier said than done, and besides, there can be immense satisfaction in letting it blow up every now and then. ‘Make-up sex’ is a whole thing. Beware, though — some therapists argue it’s a toxic path for a relationship to habitually tread. A peaceful path is better for you in the long run.
One of the main services provided by good couples therapy is the opportunity to step out of a ‘blame game’ way of thinking. This can set in as a result of longer-term conflicts. Stepping outside of blame, in the coolness and neutrality of a therapy space, invites new information into your shared understanding. Conflicts, reframed, present an opportunity to learn more about each other. What’s at stake underneath may get you closer to the heart of who you each are, as people.
Attitudinal positivity
My partner is Filipino, and of all the maintenance strategies, this one makes me think ‘Philippines.’ Their cafés love plastering breezy ‘yes-you-can’ affirmations all over the walls, such sentiments (often scanning as a bit naive to my pre-caffeinated Irish eye…) are everywhere. The thing is though — they live it. Filipino culture seems to meet each moment with a hearty, disarming smile. It has been a valuable life lesson for my European soul, in which cynicism has historically been a bit more philosophically embedded in daily life.
“Interact with optimism and cheer, maintain a supportive attitude, and avoid undue criticism…” Simple but effective rules of thumb. If you can stretch to meet them, you’re doing your bit for your partner and supporting your relationship on an important dimension. Perhaps more than others, the impact of this maintenance strategy lies in the everyday, more so than the strategic, longer-term picture. Do what you can to bring the sunshine.
Social networks
This is not about social media, but actual real-world connections. Your social networks and affiliations provide stability and support for your relationship in times of need. It takes a proverbial village to raise a child — the same is perhaps true for relationship stability, particularly in its first steps. Further, a well-established research finding is that relationship bonds benefit from new experiences together. So, having a dynamic social environment in which it exists can support those to happen. Unexpected nights out, spontaneous trips, surprise parties — simple things can keep life feeling full with possibility.
Good social networks also give you opportunities to each be your own person. Degree of dependency on each other is unique to every relationship. Some cannot bear a moment apart, others happily live apart; most are somewhere in the middle. There are no ‘right’ answers, and so long as you’re mutually content, it’s no-one else’s business. Esther Perel however does argue that healthy independence within a relationship is the key to maintaining erotic energy and passion. If that catches your attention, perhaps you’d benefit from a touch more freedom. Hit your friends up, separately as well as together.
Openness
Finally, consider openness. In the previous point, I referred to those differences in dynamic balance that each unique relationship will arrive at. Some partners are forever together; others, blissfully independent. A key aspect of arriving at your balance, and maintaining it, is the ability to talk, openly, about the relationship. As in — you, your partner, and the relationship. Do hopes, dreams, visions of the future line up? Does it even matter, are you happy freed of fussy planning about what might never come to be? We each carry personal ambitions that get shelved to make time and space for solidifying a new relationship. These can resurrect themselves out of nowhere, a ‘side’ of you that now seeks a little recognition, surprise you even after a lifetime.
Openness in relation to sex and sexuality often takes some time. This is an area in which shame and secrecy can, and often does, lurk. Worries about putting off someone you really like, if you talk about that thing you love to do (or have done to you), are real. Openness means holding this in mind, and with some care and respect for each other. What’s key is whether your relationship feels secure enough to be able to talk about it. Support from a specialist sex therapist can be a real help in managing this aspect of your relationship, if major difficulties emerge.
In conclusion
With respect to the seven categories as spelled out here, you can take some time to do some reflective journaling or writing under each of the headings. Or, perhaps, just the two or three that really stood out to you as you read them. Think about what might be lacking, and how you might take some steps with your partner to strengthen those aspects of your relationship. They can provide you with a wealth of new insights.
