Finding Your First Therapist: Starting Strong and Overcoming Challenges

Last Updated on November 6, 2024 by It’s Complicated

Going to therapy for the first time or going to a new therapist is a bold step. Thus, it might elicit some strong feelings. For example, will I make progress? Is this person a good fit for me? What if I feel worse? These apprehensions are expected, and they accompany the process of entering therapy. It is totally okay to ask yourself these questions, as most people do. In addition, going to therapy might bring to the surface strong emotions and feelings – fear, anger, shame and so on. It is normal to feel these emotions, as you’ve already unconsciously begun your therapy the moment you decided to start. Your feelings are waiting to be addressed, so they begin to surface. This is also normal at this stage, and there’s no need to feel alarmed by their presence.

Here are some things to consider when starting therapy.

Chemistry with your therapist is vitally important

As psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Dr. Glen Gabbard wrote, therapeutic alliance is the main predictor of success in therapy; your therapist’s approach is less important. If you have working contact and are building trust, and as a bonus are able to see and appreciate the small successes that you are making as therapy progresses, then you are going in the right direction.

Working with two therapists at the same time might not be the best idea, as it contributes to the defense mechanism called splitting. The client unconsciously splits two therapists into the good one and the bad one, and the good one gets all the good news, while the bad one gets only the bad news. This splitting prevents unification of good and bad within oneself and being able to deal with them at the same time and integrate them. It is recommended to find one therapist and deal with negative and positive things together.

Determine your objective

Different needs influence your therapy — are you coming to therapy to learn how to be happy, or are you in acute onset of PTSR? Do you want to improve relationships in your life, or are you coming to grieve? These are different goals that will influence your choice of therapist. Someone working well with acute stress does not necessarily work well in long-term open-ended therapy dedicated to treating separational depression, for instance.

Choose the method (and let the method choose you)

While you may decide which therapeutic method you prefer, you won’t know which will suit you until you try it. Some people respond to cognitive-behavioral exercises, some to emotionally focused therapy, some to bodily therapy, some find solace in psychoanalytic approach, Here, you really don’t know until you try, as you might think that you’ll respond to one system when in reality you respond well to another thing. Thus, not only do you choose the therapeutic method, but the method chooses you as well.

Prepare for an extended exploration

Some need to be in therapy longer, and some will find short-term therapy to be sufficient to reach their goals. It is, however, better to be ready for long-term therapy at the outset, because it will take off the pressure of expectations from yourself to “do well” at the very initial stages and for your therapist to do equally well. This initial expectation of fast results, combined with the fear of the therapy being ineffective might increase anxiety and hinder your success. If you are prepared for lengthy work, you will be more at ease. Another alternative is to decide on a pre-set number of sessions. This way, therapy will give you predictability and you will be able to draw conclusions regarding your progress in a set timeframe, and to continue as needed The way I work, for instance, is I set an unlimited number of sessions for a client, giving them the opportunity to decide when to terminate therapy, while at the same time talking about our work and client’s progress around the fifth session.

Measure your progress

If you feel no progress, it is beneficial to talk about it with your therapist. Lack of apparent progress in therapy is a good subject to raise, because you might be making some important progress that you are unaware of while being conclusively focused on other progress that you have been craving (but its time has not yet come).

There are some common misconceptions about therapy — and therapists — that may come up in your therapeutic journey.

Negative emotions

You might develop strong negative feelings toward your therapist early on — does that mean they are unprofessional? Not necessarily. Freud described the concept of “transference” that often occurs in therapy. It is a way of communicating your condition to the therapist. In this case, the intense anger or dislike might not be directed at the therapist themselves, but rather at another significant figure in your life, manifesting in the presence of your therapist. Experiencing transference of strong feelings towards the therapist is actually a positive sign, as it indicates that the client feels confident and safe enough to express them in the therapeutic environment. While it can be difficult to talk about these feelings, discussing them can provide deep insights into your condition.

Therapy is not a magic pill (and that’s okay)

You may have confusing expectations about what therapy is and what your therapist’s responsibilities are. Therapy, in my opinion, is primarily a collaborative effort, and it should be seen as such by both parties. A therapist’s responsibilities include knowing theory and techniques, creating a safe therapeutic space, being there for you, and helping you constructively cope with whatever you are dealing with. They cannot, however, offer a magic pill that instantly and effortlessly cures your condition. The foundation of therapy is exploration — of yourself, your condition, your here-and-now, your feelings, and past events. While the therapist provides support and guidance, they cannot do this work for you. Therefore, it is important to understand that therapy requires your active participation and effort. This collaborative process is what leads to meaningful healing and growth. 

Balance of challenge and harmony

If you are not feeling somewhat uncomfortable in therapy, something might be amiss. Therapy is not just about listening; it involves making changes and overcoming challenges. Sometimes, an unconscious pact is formed between the therapist and the client — the therapist avoids challenging topics or areas that make the client uncomfortable, and the client merely fulfills the “required” part: attending, paying, and talking. In such cases, therapy may seem to be progressing on the surface, but the deeper work is actually being hindered by both parties. At the same time, if therapy lacks moments of happiness or satisfaction, something is off. As a client, it’s important to find satisfaction within yourself and discover sources of joy, while also acknowledging the necessity of addressing the difficulties that led you to therapy in the first place.

What motivates your therapist

Some people believe that therapists are only in it for the money. While there are unscrupulous and greedy individuals in any profession, the field of therapy typically attracts those who genuinely care about others. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be able to handle the immense suffering that clients bring to them. Imagine consulting 15-30 clients with diverse issues, ranging from emotional suppression to trauma, addictions, and suicidal thoughts. It takes a strong inner motivation to consistently deal with these challenges, and financial gain alone is not enough to sustain this dedication.

Can therapy help me at all?

Clients often worry that a therapist can’t help them, and that no one can. Granted, therapists are human and have their own limitations, both personal and professional. Sometimes a therapist truly may not be able to help. This can feel like rejection to new clients, leading them to abandon the search for another therapist. The pain of rejection can be especially intense, particularly when many people come to therapy due to past traumas of rejection. I want to encourage you not to give up. If your current therapist isn’t the right fit, they might recommend someone who is. Their supervisor can also provide advice on who might better help you or how they themselves can improve their approach. If you find a great therapist who is overbooked, you can still ask them for recommendations.

I encourage you to seek and ask questions, as finding the right therapist is like finding a trusted dentist, insurance agent, mechanic, or accountant — they could be a valuable part of your life for years to come.

I hope this has been helpful and will lower your anxiety in the search of a therapist that is right for you. You are starting a very exciting journey of changing your life for the better, doing things differently, and discovering the new you, which you’ve always known to be there.

Bibliography:

Yalom, I. (2017). The Gift of Therapy: An Open Letter to a New Generation of Therapists and Their Patients (Paperback).

Gabbard, G. O. (2017). Long-term psychodynamic psychotherapy: A basic text (3rd rev. ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.

---

Advantages of Discovering Your Therapist via It’s Complicated

• No Setup Costs: Creating an account and reaching out to therapists is entirely cost-free.
• Transparent Pricing: You’ll only pay the session fee, with no concealed booking fees.
• Precise Search: Utilise our robust search tool to pinpoint therapists based on your specific preferences.
• Thorough Listings: Easily explore therapists categorised by their specialty, approach, location, and language.

_{It’s Complicated is a therapy platform that not only helps clients find their perfect therapist but also supports therapists in their craft of helping others. Featuring over 2,000 mental health professionals from 80+ countries, counselling is available in almost 100 languages, both online and in person. A GDPR-compliant video solution, encrypted messaging, and easy invoicing guarantee a private and seamless counselling experience for therapists and clients alike. If you are in a serious crisis and need urgent help, please use one of these resources instead.}