For girls who have suffered from sexual violence, the statistic is around 1 in 7 worldwide. That’s so heartbreaking it’s very hard to process. But let me invite you to stretch your heart even further and let your empathy also embrace the 1 in 11 boys that experience the same.
So what is sexual violence against a child?
“Any deliberate, unwanted and non-essential act of a sexual nature, either completed or attempted, that is perpetrated against a child, including for exploitative purposes, and that results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, pain or psychological suffering.”
In this article we’ll focus on boys and cis-men, simply because male victims of sexual violence are usually neglected. One reason is that we often have a very simplistic idea that men are the perpetrators and girls and women are the victims.
It’s true that most sexual violence is committed by men, it’s just that they also commit it against boys and other men. In some areas, like the Catholic Church or the Boy Scouts, the majority of victims are boys.
In addition, women are not just victims. More often than previously thought they also sexually abuse children and when they do, it’s more often boys.
“Although more girls and women are affected, and their experiences are better documented, boys and men are also impacted, the data show. An estimated 240 to 310 million boys and men – or around 1 in 11 – have experienced rape or sexual assault during childhood.“
One in 11 means that there’s likely a man in your extended family, among your friends and at work who has experienced sexual assault. So why have you most likely not heard about it from any of them? The simple answer is shame. Among women there is much more solidarity and empathy, especially since the #metoo movement which encouraged women to publicly speak out against abusers. But for men the taboo seems to have remained largely intact.
According to the prevalent (patriarchal) view of masculinity, men are supposed to be able to defend themselves, to be tough and in control, they are not supposed to be victims. If they are victims, then that must mean they’re not “real men“.
Barriers to Disclosure
Men are less likely than women to report their experiences or even acknowledge to themselves that what was done to them was sexual violence. Male survivors of child sexual abuse delay disclosure for, on average, 20 years. So why is that?
In one research project, numerous men reported thinking “I am the only one” and feared that “no one would believe them” if they disclosed. They were afraid of being misunderstood or that they would be told „it’s not a big deal“ and they should „get over it“.
One man expressed: “Being abused assumes you were somehow weak and allowed the abuse to happen . . . ”
For many men, expressing intense emotion is perceived as a violation of masculine norms. Men anticipated that the disclosure process would elicit strong emotions (e.g., sadness, humiliation) or reactions (e.g., crying) that they would be unable to control.
Many also felt that sexual abuse of children is “too sad and disgusting; people don’t want to hear about it” or thought “I couldn’t tell my parents because it would break their hearts.”
A barrier seemingly unique to men is the fear that disclosure would lead others to suspect them of becoming a future perpetrator or predator.
Gay boys abused by men and heterosexual boys abused by women are often confronted with indifference or comments like “You must have liked it..”
“When boys were assaulted by men, they emphasized a loss of a masculine, heteronormative identity that reinforced the shame and stigma of both male victimization and homosexuality. It is not surprising then that many boys sought to reclaim their invulnerability and regain control or save face during forensic interviews by emphasizing strength, aggression, and physical retaliation. Young men also reaffirmed their heterosexuality by stigmatizing and degrading homosexuality”.
Many survivors wish to erase the past, forget about it and get on with their lives. This is understandable, but something as traumatic as this usually doesn’t go away by itself.
Common Symptoms:
- shame and low self-esteem, feeling like a “loser“ or not good enough
- feeling one is not a “real man“, problems with sexuality like performance anxiety in bed
- quickly feeling helpless, powerless or incompetent when facing difficulties
- doubting own sexuality (f.e. fear that being sexually abused by a man has turned one gay)
- anxiety, never really feeling safe, various phobias like hypochondria.
- depression
- sleep disorders
- lack of boundaries, inability to say “no“ or express own needs
- feeling different and isolated
- overcompensating to avoid any of the above painful feelings, like becoming workaholic to prove one’s worth
- various addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling, gaming, porn/sex)
- suicidal thoughts and self-harm
This is just a brief selection; there are more possible symptoms. Of course, all of these symptoms also have other possible causes.
For Survivors: Recovery
It’s true, recovery is not easy; it will probably mean facing painful memories and/or feelings. But if somebody violated your boundaries and abused you and you suffer some of the above symptoms or others, your life probably is not easy right now either. So I want to encourage you to enter the path of recovery because healing or at least a lightening of your burden is really possible. Many brave men have gone before you and left notes of their journey to inspire and encourage you.
How to break through the shame and isolation? By telling someone who you think will show you empathy. This could be a friend, a loved one or a professional like a psychotherapist.
Maybe you’re already in therapy, but you haven’t told your therapist because you think „it’s so long ago, it’s not so important now“ or „other people went through worse“ or „I was pressured but I also got aroused so I must have enjoyed it. So was it really abuse?“.
Don’t let these kinds of doubts and hesitations fly around your head for another decade, blocking you from getting help. Instead engage with them, question their truth and inform yourself. For example by reading about the myths about sexual abuse in the links below.
Another very powerful way to lessen the shame and isolation and find support is by meeting other men who have gone through similar experiences, sharing your story and hearing from others. In Berlin, Tauwetter e.V offers counseling sessions (also by phone) and hosts self-organised self-help groups for male victims.
If you’re not ready to tell anyone, a helpful step is to read and hear from other men through books, documentaries or podcasts. That might already make you feel less bad because you understand more and recognise yourself in other survivors. At the same time, it might also already trigger strong difficult feelings and bring up painful memories. Facing your trauma might be one of the bravest things you do in your life. So try to take care of yourself by taking time for things that give you joy, strength and resilience, like friends, hobbies, sports, spirituality, art & music, etc.
I wish you all the best!
