Before discussing the specifics of narcissistic personality formation I would like to pay attention to the negative social attitudes towards NPD. It says everywhere that being a narcissist is horrible and relationships with such type is dangerous and unhealthy. Every text from most of social media emphasizes that the first step we should take is to escape from this narcissistic person. This leads to an unjustified stigma against people with NPD and creates troubles for them to look psychological treatment.
I have worked with narcissistic clients for many years and can say with certainty that much of the information available about narcissism is incorrect and leads to unfair and cruel conclusions about these individuals. A narcissistic personality is primarily a person with plenty of strengths and weaknesses like any other psychodynamic characters we know. We all have narcissistic traits, so the loud condemnation of the NRL speaks more about shame in front of our personal characteristics and the inability to underestimate the manifestations of ourselves. No one chooses which way to be born, in which family to form, so let’s look at the NPD from the point of view of a non-evaluative and psychological approach.
Currently there are two types of narcissistic personalities. The first are malignant narcissists who never show up in therapy. Normally they can be seen in prisons as these people stay in antisocial circles or politics. Another type is frequently looking for psychological help. These are representatives of vulnerable narcissism – people suffering from depression, low self-esteem, anxiety and constant self-doubt. I’m going to talk about them now.
How a Narcissistic Personality is Formed
The main predictors that contribute to the development of narcissism are emotional emptiness in relationships with parents, particularly with the mother, and a high level of perfectionism in the family. These two factors create a sense of deep shame that blocks true self from pure expression.
Emotional emptiness
When I talk about emotional emptiness I mean not a lively emotional connection with a child. Instead it refers to dry, formal communication and the absence of genuine sincerity and closeness. However this doesn’t mean a lack of love. Pretty often cold parents are unknowingly ashamed of their emotional expressions, so they see insensitive contact as safe and reliable. They discuss duties and avoid or block emotional communication. But the child needs their personality to be seen and reflected in the parent’s actions.
Questions and comments like: “You seem sad,” “What did you draw?” or “What are you angry about?” show empathy and create a sense of being seen and understood. In contrast, in a narcissistic family interactions are limited to discussing grades, meals and schedules. Emotions are seen as taboo and symptom of weakness, so they are excluded from relationships.
In the midst of this endless emptiness the child develops an unconscious fantasy that any instinctive, emotional or individual expression is shameful and wrong as it is ignored by closest people. This leads to a gradual rejection of one’s “normality” and shame replaces natural individuality. Being yourself means being wrong, so the child develops a fantasy that it is necessary to develop a facade reflecting his “normality” (which is opposed to naturalness).
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is manifested in the fact that a child is expected to be perfect and not embarrass his family. If he studies he should get only the best marks. Parents don’t always expect excellent grades, but they react emotionally when the child fails. They focus on achievements and ignore everything that is not perfect. An ideal child also doesn’t have a right to be angry, upset or offended, he has to feel only positive emotions that mark his parents as perfect. As a result the child feels a sense of inadequacy and strives for an ideal image to be loved.
Naturally, the development of a person’s character is influenced by various factors, including relationships with father, other family members, traumatic experiences and various life events. However the combination of feelings of emptiness and perfectionism can be seen as the main factors that lead to a person becoming addicted to confirming their own external greatness.
A narcissistic individual rarely accepts anger, resentment, envy or fear as these emotions are seen as extremely unworthy on their scale. They also rarely recognize attachment in relationships. Instead, in the outside world, a narcissist seeks out mirrors to confirm their grandiosity. Otherwise he will suffer a collapse. This is what in psychotherapy is called the narcissistic splitting into «I’m grandiose” or «I’m insignificant.». A narcissistic person experiences a deep sense of self-emptiness and evaluates all manifestations of his own individuality solely through the prism of this splitting. The outside world should label his “grandiose” and if something goes wrong it seems to emphasize own “insignificance”. These are glasses that define a person’s entire life in reality.
If a narcissistic personality is faced with “setbacks” in their self-esteem such as negative emotions, difficulties at work or school or dissatisfaction with themselves they instantly turn on the defense mechanism of devaluing what has dared to reflect their negative image back to them. Relationships with these people often end up before the first complaint is even voiced by their partner. As a result people with narcissistic tendencies are extremely sensitive to perceived social setbacks and often abandon projects or relationships if they encounter unexpected difficulties. Therefore people with NRL when asked to discuss problems say: “don’t talk nonsense” (feeling worthless) or “let’s not talk about it” (“let’s keep the relationship if we don’t discuss problems”).
There is even a specific type of depression known as “narcissistic depression” which arises from an obsessive focus on one’s own shortcomings when faced with the impossibility of achieving perfection and the belief that “the world has let you down.” This can lead to a complete loss of motivation and a sense of hopelessness to even suicidal thoughts and actions. According to studies people with borderline personality disorder are more likely to make suicidal attempts that do not end in death while narcissistic individuals are statistically more likely to kill themselves because they can’t stand their own imperfection.
Relationships with Narcissistic People
We all know the annoyance that comes from private life where “we choose and are chosen, but often it doesn’t match” and this is a common situation for people with narcissistic traits. The reason behind the inability to form a partnership is rooted in unconscious envy which the narcissistic individual definitely denies. With a constant sense of their own unworthiness the person has a fantasy of an ideal existence which they must strive for, so the unconscious choice of a romantic partner is based on a desire to attain the ideal and «obtain» his best qualities. They will be outwardly effective, stylish personalities who don’t have difficulties with external self-expression, because they just seem to be successful and “valuable” as if they have become sufficiently filled with the ideal content that allows them to be themselves.
That’s why people with a narcissistic personality tend to seek out inaccessible relationships. They don’t need a deep connection, because their main goal is to find someone who can’t make them feel ashamed. If you ask a narcissistic person what attracted them to their partner they will likely list qualities that they lack themselves.
The relationship will develop according to two scenarios.
In the first case the object of narcissistic envy will remain inaccessible and “feed” the desire to seize his successful qualities. It can be endless courtship without a relationship or a relationship will begin, but without pure intimacy. Then it may last for a long time. The narcissist will feel “insignificant” asserting himself at the expense of the ideal other.
In the second case, the object of narcissistic lust shows mutual interest and tries to build a close relationship. Faced with the reality that the partner is a real person (meaning ordinary) the narcissistic individual experiences severe disappointment. They leave the relationship contemptuously “injecting” a sense of insignificance into the other person. This usually happens when the partner begins to feel love. The narcissistic person at this point starts experiencing an anxiety related to the possibility of being open and visible as the sense of naturalness feels shameful. The partner who seemed perfect previously begins to be seen with disappointment like if they are becoming “wrong”. This is a defense mechanism against feelings of shame, a projection of the narcissist’s sense of wrongdoing onto another person. At this point the narcissistic personality breaks off the relationship, often harshly, leaving a partner who is in love with feeling the same shame they feel. This is called «manic triumph over the object».
I believe that this is why there is a negative attitude towards narcissism in society – there are too many destructive relationships. Unfortunately, ending a relationship with a narcissist can cause serious damage to one’s self-esteem and people who are left behind often take years to recover. And the breakup feels like there was no human connection at all.
Within the same relationship such a person may tend to “freeze” emotional intimacy. They communicate pretty formally and don’t discuss problems. For the narcissistic individual, difficulties in the relationship are seen as their own failure, so they maintain a facade. However suppressing feelings doesn’t mean they disappear. While the narcissist is trapped in their partner’s idealization negative emotions are repressed. During a breakup these emotions often spill out as accusations that the partner themselves provoked negativity.
A narcissistic person is unconsciously afraid of genuine intimacy and can’t be themselves in a relationship. This is another reason why they “run after and away from an object”. Achieving the perfect other is not the same as having a simple relationship. Just like self-affirmation through a passionate admirer is not the same as a genuine love affair where one can encounter an imperfect, but real self.
It may seem that people with narcissistic personalities don’t have empathy. In fact they likely understand their partner’s negative feelings. But because they can’t see themselves as the cause of those emotions they can express empathy and defend themselves with an arrogant wall.
Therapy for Narcissistic Personality
I can say that therapy with a narcissistic client is a really difficult and time-consuming process for both. The main difficulty is related to the inability of a person to recognize problems and limitations in himself. No matter what the client’s initial topic was during the session the conversation often turns into a distant, detached discussion lacking details and emotions. This is how a person unknowingly controls the therapist, not allowing him to approach the true personality, which psychologically survives at the cost of creating a bubble of grandiose fantasies around himself.
Attempts to confront, to step into the depths cause the narcissistic client to rage which begins to spill out through a demonstrative devaluation of the therapist and all the work. Such people are very good at stinging and you need to be a sufficiently “sophisticated” specialist to withstand narcissistic attempts to destroy the psychologist’s self-esteem.
Envy of the therapist’s “normalcy” also plays a role. The client is unable to recognize the need for help which is linked to the therapist’s success and this further paralyses the opportunity for progress. Any attempts to break through the “narcissistic shell” cause intense anger up to the point of ending therapy.
When a narcissistic client starts to trust the therapy process self-disclosure begins – the person describes themselves exclusively in comparison to others. It becomes clear how much a narcissistic person sees their emotions and reactions as inadequate and abnormal. Therefore they expect constant external praise.
I don’t agree that narcissistic therapy is useless. Working with a narcissistic person can be quite challenging as it requires a lot of patience and understanding. Narcissists often have difficulties opening up and sharing their feelings, which can make it difficult for the therapist to help them. The length of therapy will depend on the individual’s needs and the approach chosen by the therapist. It also depends on the therapist’s own ability to handle negative emotions that may arise during the process. To be successful in working with narcissistic clients it’s important to understand their unique psychology and have a strong personal resilience. This includes being able to withstand criticism and maintain a positive attitude even when faced with negative feedback. While the process may be challenging the results can be rewarding, as both the client and therapist can grow and develop through the experience.
