What Does It Mean To Be A (Real) Man?
Ultimately, a man is simply a human being dwelling within a male body. We often forget this.We are all, in some way, victims of patriarchy—of that toxic masculinity that permeates our society. But not only that. We are also victims of a distorted matriarchy: a femininity poisoned by the same obsessive craving for control as its male counterpart. Both share a single purpose—to acquire power, dominate, and triumph over the world, thereby denying their own limits and darkness.
Masculinity is not innate—it is a social construct. There is no singular definition of a “real man.”
From the very beginning of life, the newborn human aspires to omnipotence through the earliest bonds with caregivers. Over time, this egocentric drive must come to terms with the principle of reality—with the osmosis between the self and what surrounds it. In response, we build defenses, develop fantasies, and make compromises with our vulnerabilities and unacceptable experiences. We begin to act as we think we should, rather than as we are.
It’s not easy to be truly authentic when psychological, personal, social, and cultural forces oppose inner freedom. From these frictions arise perpetual inner conflicts, where ‘becoming’ becomes a struggle—against the world and ourselves. True becoming is a luxury reserved for the few—a miracle of life acquired only over time.
As Swiss psychoanalyst Carl G. Jung once said: “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
The highly sensitive man knows this well. He fights daily against a male stereotype that rarely reflects his essence.
As he grows, a man is pulled by the gravitational current of his sex—swept into cultural assumptions rooted in ignorance, but powerful enough to shape behavior and identity.
Patriarchy is a power system built on a hierarchy that assumes the superiority of men over other gender identities. It fosters discrimination, cultural bias, and limited access to power for anyone not identifying as a heterosexual male. This system permeates society and culture, affecting everyone—including women—who are raised within it.
From this system arises toxic masculinity, a set of beliefs designed to preserve the dominant patriarchal model. Coined in the 1980s by psychologist Shepherd Bliss, the term refers to “socially regressive male traits that promote domination, the denigration of women, homophobia, and senseless violence” (Journal of School Psychology).
What Is Toxic Masculinity?
Some defining features of toxic masculinity include:
- Toughness: valuing physical strength, emotional detachment, and aggression.
- Anti-femininity: rejecting anything deemed feminine, including emotional expression or seeking help.
- Power: chasing status and control—social, financial, or otherwise—to gain external validation.
This ideal, mythologized male figure becomes a totem—an undeclared standard upheld by power structures, corporations, media, and even religion and sports, which perpetuate the model through fundamentalist or conservative views.
We live in a society both victim and architect of over-industrialisation and a post-industrial consumer culture that glorifies objectification. Success becomes synonymous with wealth and status, alienating the majority in pursuit of an unattainable masculine ideal. Yet this paradox has historical contrast: during the Georgian era (1714–1830), masculinity was associated with wisdom, virtue, and free emotional expression—an idea lost in modern notions of virility. Reclaiming that lost wisdom requires support from women who accept men for who they truly are.
Accepting Sensitivity
Men need to accept their sensitivity. And they need others—especially fellow men—to encourage and support them with empathy and understanding.
This cultural shift would benefit everyone: individuals, families, and society as a whole. While men may receive fewer diagnoses for anxiety or depression, they die by suicide at far higher rates (77% in the U.S.), struggle more with addiction, and comprise 93% of the prison population. Men also live 5–10 years less than women. Dr. Thomas Perls (Boston University) suggests that 70% of this life expectancy gap is due to lifestyle and environmental factors—not biology. Supporting this, studies on monks and nuns (Dr. Marc Luys) show nearly equal longevity between sexes when lifestyle is controlled.
Still, the sensitive man remains confined within a concept of masculinity that forces him to perform. To conform. To silence himself. He suppresses emotional complexity in favour of “functionality”—a form of survival that disconnects him from his true nature.
And so, the highly reactive nervous system of the sensitive man reacts—through fight-or-flight, emotional freeze, or other maladaptive coping strategies.
Masculinity is not innate—it is a social construct. There is no singular definition of a “real man.” Each individual must be free to forge and embrace his own identity.
Letting go of outdated masculine ideals paves the way for vulnerability, empathy, and authenticity. And in that freedom, the highly sensitive man becomes a beacon: showing us that we can be strong and soft, grounded and emotional, masculine and sensitive.
In the words of the French writer Victor Hugo: “He who does not weep, does not see.”
Credits:
The Highly Sensitive Man – Tom Falkenstein
The Highly Sensitive Person – Elaine Aron
