A Guide for the Compassionately Confused.
Let’s just start by saying: being in a relationship with someone who’s been through a war or survived a refugee experience is not going to be like anything you see in rom-com relationships. It’s not all roses and candlelit dinners, and there’s no neatly wrapped ending of your classic Colleen Hoover book. Instead, this journey is more like a trip to Mordor, where you’ll be Sam and they are your Frodo. And as their partner, you’re probably feeling like you want to help, but also like you have no idea what you’re doing half the time. It’s confusing, and it’s okay to feel that way. If your partner has lived through something like the brutal conflict in Ukraine or the Middle East, the emotional terrain you’re navigating is an emotional minefield rather than a peaceful walk in the park.
But here’s the thing: You can support them. You don’t have to be perfect. You just need to show up, be present, and know that you’re both learning how to handle things. So, how do you do that? How do you support someone who’s been through unimaginable trauma without falling apart yourself in the process?
Understanding That Trauma Isn’t a Problem to Solve
First off, let’s get one thing straight: you’re not going to “fix” this. The idea that you can just talk it out and make everything better? That’s not how trauma works. People who’ve lived through war or been forced to flee their homes aren’t walking around with a checklist of things they need to do to heal. It’s messy, it’s long-term, and it’s confusing. It’s like being told, “Hey, just jump over this huge wall,” and then finding out the wall isn’t a wall, but a whole mountain range, and you’re both stuck on opposite sides of it.
Your partner might experience things like hyper-vigilance: always on edge, anticipating danger, even when there’s none (keep that Frodo image in your mind). They might be emotionally numb, too, which can feel like they’ve checked out. They might have flashbacks, nightmares, or a constant undercurrent of sadness and anger. And yes, sometimes they’ll push you away. It’s not you. It’s what they’ve been through.
What’s important is not trying to rush them through their healing process. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is sit quietly next to them, not trying to solve anything. Don’t be a therapist. Just be there.
Don’t Just Listen
You’ve probably heard this one before. “Active listening.” It’s one of those buzzwords that feels as if it’s easier said than done, right? But when you’re in a relationship with someone who’s trying to survive war or displacement, active listening is essential. Because when someone’s living through unspeakable trauma, they may struggle to articulate what they’ve been through or even want to talk about it at all. Your job? Just show up and listen when they’re ready to talk.
And this doesn’t mean interrupting to say, “I understand, I read about this in the news,” or “But it wasn’t that bad, right?” They don’t need your version of the story. They need their own to be acknowledged. It’s not about “fixing it” or giving advice. It’s about holding space for their pain. Sometimes, the biggest thing you can offer is your quiet, compassionate presence.
Cultural Understanding: More Than Just Knowing Where They’re From
Here’s where it can get tricky: War zones, refugee camps, and dislocation come with their own unique cultural histories, beliefs, and challenges. It’s not just about where your partner is from, it’s also about how they were raised in those environments. Refugees carry with them not just the pain of what they’ve lost, but the whole cultural tapestry of their lives.
Understanding this isn’t about turning yourself into an expert on their history or culture (good luck with that), but about recognising the influence that those cultural touchstones have on how they experience the world. Maybe their family dynamics are different from what you’re used to. Maybe certain traditions or values are important to them in ways you don’t quite understand. If you’re feeling like you have to learn a whole new language just to be with this person emotionally, you’re not alone. It’s hard work. But it’s also worth it. And it’s part of the process of building something meaningful together.
Creating Safety (Not Perfection)
One of the hardest things to accept when your partner has been through trauma is that the sense of safety they need might feel really fragile – almost like it could disappear at any moment. You don’t have to create a flawless, anxiety-free environment. But you do need to create consistency and stability, even if it feels like things are unstable around you. When you’re dealing with a person who’s been displaced, sometimes all they want is to feel grounded, even if they don’t always express it that way.
Stability can look different for each person. For some, it might mean predictable routines. For others, it’s about feeling like they’re not alone in dealing with the aftermath of their past. Offering this kind of emotional safety isn’t about being perfect, but about showing up consistently.
The Weight of Your Own Heart: Taking Care of Yourself
Now, let’s be real for a second. Supporting someone who’s been through trauma is hard. It’s exhausting. It takes a toll. And if you’re constantly putting your own emotional needs on the back burner, you’re not going to be able to show up for them in a meaningful way. You’re going to burn out, and that’s not good for anyone.
That means: You need your own support system. You can’t do this alone. You’re only human, and sometimes, you’re going to feel overwhelmed, confused, or just plain exhausted. So, find people who get it. Creating the sense of community and finding friends who go through the same experience is one way. The other is to seek support through therapy. Either it is a couple therapy for both of you, or a personal one to keep you sane. You’re not helping by losing yourself in the process.
It’s okay to set boundaries and take time for yourself, even when you want to do everything to help them heal. Relationships like these can be incredibly rewarding, but they also require you to show up for yourself just as much as you show up for your partner.
The Beauty of Resilience
In spite of everything they’ve been through, and sometimes because of it, your partner has likely developed an incredible sense of resilience. Yes, it’s raw. Yes, it’s scarred. But it’s real. And in your relationship, you’ll find ways to support each other through the darkest days, learning together how to rebuild not just a life, but a love that’s rooted in something deeper than either of you imagined. You’ll look back one day and realise that the mountain you thought was insurmountable was, in fact, just part of your journey together.
Despite everything said, we all understand some things are easier said than done. Life can feel stressful, unfair and annoying on its own, even without deep traumatic experiences. So, all of it is simply layers on top of layers on top of layers of havoc and emotional instability. So, if you’re feeling like you’re just one more meltdown away from losing it, maybe it’s time to get some professional help. The road doesn’t have to be walked alone.
Final thoughts
Couples therapy, especially Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), might just be the lifeline you both need. It’s not about “fixing” the past or offering some magical solution. It’s about learning to listen, understand, and communicate in ways that actually help each other heal. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples is the only method that uses a well-tested and proven empirically theory about how adults form close bonds to understand and help fix relationship problems.
Research shows that 70%-75% of couples move from distress to recovery and 90% show significant improvements when therapists use EFT strategies and techniques. In EFT, you’ll both get the space to express your raw feelings and build a foundation of empathy that doesn’t depend on everything being perfect. It’s messy, it’s real, and it can actually bring you closer, but it takes work. Healing is a process, not a finish line, and therapy could be the step that lets you both start rebuilding something stronger than you ever imagined.
