How It's Complicated works
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Learn more about attachment
Attachment is the emotional bond formed with early caregivers that shapes how a person trusts, connects, and feels secure in relationships throughout life. Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, describes four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised. A secure attachment style supports comfortable closeness and independence, while insecure styles can create recurring difficulties with trust, intimacy, or fear of abandonment. Attachment patterns are learned rather than fixed, which means they can change, and therapy is one of the most effective ways to build a more secure way of relating.
Attachment patterns tend to surface most clearly in close relationships, and many people first notice them when the same difficulties keep repeating with different partners or friends.
Therapy might help if:
- You need frequent reassurance in relationships, and its absence quickly turns to anxiety
- Closeness feels uncomfortable, and you tend to pull away when someone gets too near
- You want intimacy but find yourself sabotaging it when it arrives
- Fear of abandonment shapes your decisions, sometimes more than your own needs do
- You lose yourself in relationships, or struggle to trust even reliable people
- Conflict feels catastrophic, and you'll do almost anything to avoid it
- The same relational pattern keeps repeating, and you can see it but can't shift it
Attachment work benefits from approaches that look at where relational patterns began and how they operate now.
Psychodynamic therapy explores how early relationships shaped your current patterns, often working with what surfaces in the therapy relationship itself. It suits people who want depth and understanding, not just techniques.
Schema therapy identifies the deep-rooted patterns, or schemas, formed in childhood that drive insecure attachment, and works to change them directly. It's well suited to long-standing relational difficulties.
IFS (Internal Family Systems) works with the different parts of you that developed to stay safe in early relationships, such as the part that clings and the part that withdraws. It approaches these parts with curiosity rather than judgement.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) helps reprocess early relational experiences that still shape how you attach, particularly where those experiences were distressing. It works alongside other clinical support where trauma is significant.
Systemic therapy looks at attachment within the relationships and family systems where it plays out, rather than in isolation. It can involve partners or family members where that's useful.
Choosing an approach isn't something you have to do alone. IC's matching can pair you with a therapist whose approach suits your situation. Get matched.
It's Complicated is a therapist-founded mental health platform connecting clients with verified practitioners across Europe and globally, in over 60 languages. The platform is free to use, with over 2,500 vetted therapists offering in-person sessions in cities including Berlin, Amsterdam, Barcelona, Lisbon, and Vienna, alongside online sessions worldwide.
If attachment is the thing you're working on, the fit with your therapist isn't a nice-to-have; it's the mechanism of change. Our matching service takes that seriously. You complete a short survey, our psychologists combine data-driven insights with human judgement to identify the right therapists for your situation, and you choose from a shortlist of strong candidates. You can also browse our directory directly if you'd prefer to choose yourself.
Get matched with a therapist who specialises in attachment, or browse all attachment therapists in the directory.
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