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Learn more about co-dependency
Co-dependency is a relational pattern in which a person's sense of identity, self-worth, or emotional stability becomes excessively tied to another person's needs, feelings, or behaviour. While not a standalone diagnosis in the DSM-5, it is a widely recognised dynamic addressed in both individual therapy and group support contexts. Co-dependency is most commonly associated with relationships involving addiction, chronic illness, or controlling behaviour, and often develops in people who grew up in families where emotional caregiving was required of them from an early age. The pattern can feel like love or loyalty, which makes it genuinely difficult to recognise.
Co-dependency can be hard to identify because many of its features are socially valued: being caring, reliable, and putting others first.
- You find it difficult to identify what you need or want, outside of what others need from you
- Your mood and sense of security are heavily dependent on how the other person is feeling or behaving
- You feel responsible for managing others' emotions, and anxious when you cannot
- You stay in relationships that cost you significantly because leaving feels impossible or disloyal
- You frequently put your own needs last and feel resentful, but cannot seem to stop
- You find it difficult to set limits with people you care about, even when their behaviour is harming you
- You are drawn repeatedly to people who need rescuing, fixing, or looking after
Several approaches work well for co-dependency, particularly those that explore the relational patterns and beliefs underlying it.
- Schema therapy Schema therapy identifies the early maladaptive beliefs, such as feeling responsible for others' wellbeing or undeserving of your own needs, and works to change them through a combination of cognitive, experiential, and relational techniques.
- Psychodynamic therapy Psychodynamic approaches explore the attachment patterns and early relational experiences that shaped the tendency to organise life around others, working toward a more differentiated sense of self.
- CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) CBT helps identify the specific thought patterns and behaviours that sustain co-dependency, including people-pleasing, difficulty saying no, and catastrophising about others' reactions.
- IFS (Internal Family Systems) IFS works with the different internal parts that drive co-dependent behaviour, including the caretaker and the part that fears abandonment, building a more integrated and self-led way of relating.
It's Complicated is a therapist-founded mental health platform connecting clients with verified practitioners across Europe and globally, in over 60 languages. We work with over 2,500 vetted therapists, with in-person availability in Berlin, Amsterdam, Barcelona, Lisbon, Vienna, and other major cities, alongside online sessions worldwide. It's Complicated is free to use, and you pay your chosen therapist directly at rates they set.
Recognising co-dependency and deciding to work on it takes courage, particularly when the pattern has felt like a defining part of who you are. Our matching service is built to remove that friction. You complete a short survey, our psychologists combine data-driven insights with human judgement to identify the right therapists for your situation, and you choose from a shortlist of strong candidates. You can also browse our directory directly if you'd prefer to choose yourself.
Get matched with a therapist who specialises in co-dependency, or browse the directory.
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